It’s been 84 years…

I started this blog a few years ago when I was going through a really hard break up. The break up wasn’t hard because my boyfriend was great, the break up was hard because he was abusive, and probably clinically insane. I honestly haven’t even thought about this blog in as long as I could remember until last week. 

When I’m sad, or really going through something, writing is something that comes so naturally. When I’m at baseline, not so much. It sucks when you think about it.

Previously when I have written these posts, I’ve tried to be as careful as I can when it comes to spreading other peoples business. In this case, for that one’s that will figure out who I am talking about, well, I guess that just is what it is.

So here goes nothing…

Nine months ago a relationship between my ex boyfriend and I started, which really never should’ve began. Hindsight’s 20/20 now, I suppose. Before I tell you this story, I want to start by saying this, I will always love this man, I will always have forgiveness in my heart for him and I will always without one doubt in my mind and heart cheer him on from the sidelines. Nothing has ever changed that, and at least in my heart, nothing will. 

I met this man when I was 15 years old, we were young and wild and simply just brand new. I fell in love with him instantly. I know you’re probably thinking that I had no idea what love was and as a 15 year old who can say that? I can. There is nothing in this entire world I have ever been more certain of than how that man has and does mean to me. 

We dated all through high school and when high school was over for me (since I’m a year older) and I decided to go to Florida for school, it really ended for the first time. Now, for anyone reading this being like I remember this relationship and it was wild before you left - yeah, it was insane. Some of that being on me, some of that being on him. I think back on it, and I wish I knew the things I now know at 31, at 15. Maybe our story would be different, maybe it would be exactly the same.

I left for college and around this time he had gotten really bad into drugs. It really threw his entire self and life off course, as you can imagine. It was one of the hardest things I ever went through watching the person I loved more than anything go through what he went through. Imagine what it was like for him and his parents and his sibling. I honestly thought there were times where he was going to die. There were many times I sat on the phone with while he was high and driving making sure he got home safe. I had many conversations with insurance companies trying to get him into rehab centers. Imagine what that does to a person in their teenage years? Imagine what it’s like for a teenager to scream and cry about how someone should love her more than he loves H. Trust me, it’s a lot. 

Now again, I’m not taking anything away from his struggles, addiction, or anything of the sort. I’m just telling my story. 

Him and I have stayed friends over the past 15 years. Sometimes more consistently, but sometimes not. Not one girl friend he’s ever had has ever been accepting of our relationship/friendship - understandably so. So depending on if he was in active addiction really depended what our friendship was like. 

Let’s fast forward…

Less than a year ago he got married to a woman that he dated in the process of getting sober. So they’ve been together on and off for about 7 years. She’s never been a fan of mine, which again, I get. Though the way she’s handled some things, I’ll never get. I won’t get into too many details on the beginning of how my relationship started with him 9 months ago, everyone can draw their own conclusions. However, I will say, our relationship had nothing to do with why the marriage was in the process of ending - it was already ending. I also want to make clear the entire nine months I supported any decision he made, and if that was trying to fix the marriage, I supported that. 

I never saw this man as relationship material really in my adult life. We had gotten back together and broke up all through our twenties and it was the same shit, but something changed in me last year and I communicated that.

The last nine months have been some of the best. How much he loved me, how much he protected me, how much he was just my person was nothing I ever doubted. His divorce started to become more real than just being separated and we talked about spending an entire life together. We talked about babies, and moving and everything under the sun. It was something I really wanted. He’s someone that for my whole life I never even had to speak, he knew what I was feeling. He knew exactly what’s on my mind without even having a conversation. It’s a dynamic I’ve been blessed to have and have been really sad to lose.

We talked about getting pregnant and with the meds I was on, it was not something we could do. So I slowly started getting off of my medication. For anyone who’s ever been on the kind of meds I was on understands not only how hard that is, but what it really does to your body. At this point, he was moving out of the house they lived in together, filing the papers and it was a really emotional and draining process, for everyone involved. Then last week happened.

I went to Cincinnati for the Taylor Swift concert and with everything going on with him filing, and moving - it was stressful. That entire week was so fucking rough. Ten minutes before I leave for the concert, he texts me saying he wanted to fix things with his wife, he never loved me, and he never wanted to speak to me again. This is a man that I have spent 15 years of my life being his number one cheerleader. Keeping his secrets. Supporting him and loving him unconditionally. It wasn’t even the fact that he wanted to “fix” the marriage, which is for another day get into - it was how he decided to tell me. How he handled this was truly heartbreaking.

I’ve gone through situations with people similar to this, and this specific situation I’ve been in many times, with the same person, but this time I feel a little different. This man helped me believe in myself and see my worth. This man showed me that I am capable and deserving of anything and everything. It fucking sucks now that I know this is so beneath me because he taught me those things, and it sucks that I have to rely on those things because he’s the one that hurt me.

If this was a year ago, my entire world would be falling apart. Am I in the best shape? No. I’m actually really sad, but it’s not a Hilary sad, it’s like a normal person sad. I cried a lot the first two days, but the following 5, not much at all. Everything I see reminds me of him so I get triggered quickly, but I also snap out of it quickly. This isn’t someone I’ve ever been, and I am proud that that’s who I’m becoming. I think about a break up I went through about three years ago and my whole world crumbled and it wasn’t even comparable to what I just experienced. The relationships were so different. This was real in a whole different way. And don’t get me wrong, my break up from three years ago, I will also always love that man, I just know I am and my life is better without him. Two things exist at the same time. You can love someone and they can just not be good for you.

I used to have people come and go out of my life and I would hyper fixate on what was wrong with me, what I could have done differently, what I could do to be better, but I just don’t feel that way anymore.

I know how great of a person I am. I know my value, my worth, I know this isn’t my loss, and as much as I know these things, there’s something in the back of my head that says what if the whole time he didn’t love me, what if you’re the idiot, what do his parents really think of the whole thing? It’s in those moments I have to remind myself, this says everything about him and nothing at all about me.

So yes, did I get involved in a situation I shouldn’t have been apart of? Absolutely. Do I regret it? No. I would do it 100 times over again. Why? Because it has showed me that even though he’s the same man he’s always been, I’m not the same woman I’ve always been. I’m better. I’m stronger. That is something I will always be grateful for.