This is insanity (no pun intended)

So the day after posting my blog, I woke up with crippling anxiety. I was worried about what people were going to think if people were judging me, and if it was even really that good of an idea to come out and tell my story. My therapist likes to tell me that good things and good change can also cause anxiety, so I tried to look at it factually, anxiety exists and it's not going anywhere, it's how we cope and manage that's important. So with all my pent-up anxiety, I went for a run, that just works for me. I've been doing it every morning because it's significantly helping me get through my days. Before doing that, I checked the stats on my blog post, I realized that over 100 people had read it, and by the following afternoon, more than 150, and the day after that almost 200.

The number of people who reached out was incredible and really touching. It made me feel so validated in what I was doing and why I was doing it. I know what you're thinking, validation shouldn't come from other people or outside factors, and you're right it shouldn't. However, it doesn't mean that it's not icing on the cake after your own self-validation. Self-validation is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I never felt like I had the confidence or self-esteem to feel concrete in my decisions. This is something I'm really working on. One thing I can tell you is, I am so happy I am doing this. 

When I started the treatment program I am in, my psychiatrist and I began talking about and reevaluating the medications I was currently taking. A quick overview... I was on an anti-depressant, am on a mood stabilizer, and was on sleep medication. 

My psychiatrist and I spoke about how I was feeling on the anti-depressants since I was still having such consistent and lengthy depressive episodes. I told her for being on medication that was supposed to help me, I wasn't sure it was doing much, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't just on the medication to avoid withdrawals, but that it was actually helping. She told me that maybe it was time to get off of them if this was the way I was feeling and a sense of overwhelming relief came over me. However, she did tell me since I was on the lowest dose, there was no way to taper off. The medicine I took comes in capsules and does not exist in liquid or tablet form, so cold turkey we went. Let me tell you, for those who have been on pharmaceutical drugs before and for quite some time, know-how-dependent your body can become, which was no different than what I was experiencing. I had the chills, constantly thirsty, sweated a ton, had a ringing in my ears that came and went whenever it felt like it, and had a headache like I don't wish on my worst enemy, and let's not forget the terrible brain fog, but sometimes good things are hard, and this was no exception.

I went through the week feeling like absolute garbage. There were two days of the week I couldn't finish my therapy day because it hurt so bad to keep my eyes open. Once I got through the weekend feeling better, I really felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but then Monday hit and it was game over. I've come to realize Mondays have been hard for me lately, maybe because I'm better with keeping my routine through the week and then the weekends come and it just totally throws me off. I woke up yesterday morning just numb and sad, and I couldn't figure out why. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and she told me that what I was experiencing she didn't believe were withdrawals any longer, but things that were once curbed by the anti-depressant.

I hated hearing that. For some reason, whatever reason that may be, I feel really shitty about having to be on medication, and I don't know why. If I had to really try and zone in on it, it's probably from outside people making me feel bad about it. I was so excited to get off these anti-depressants and it seemed more obvious than ever they were something that I needed. Being on medication almost makes me feel like I'm incapable of taking care of myself, that there's something wrong with me, I have to be fixed and to me that just makes me feel sad. I sat and talked to my therapist about the medication changes the psychiatrist was making and I said to her, "If I had cancer, no one would be judging me if I went through radiation or chemo", and I should feel the same way about what I go through mentally too. Sometimes I catch myself ruminating about the fact of "How long will I be like this? Will the medication be a forever thing? Why am I like this?" but would I be this hard on myself if the things I was experiencing were detrimental to my physical health instead of my mental health?

I watched a video last Thursday that really sparked my interest. It talked about mental health. The man's name is Kaylor Betts and if you haven't heard of him, I recommend you look him up; not only is he is so intelligent, but he is extremely easy on the eyes. He talked about how we live in a day and age where medicine is something prescribed to people with mental illness and everyone thinks that that is the fix. I mean, that's always what I thought. I thought my anti-depressants would fix me, my relationships, my emotional outbursts, my consistent crying spells, all of it. Like Kaylor explains, I failed to realize the way to get healthy is to do the behavioral things we need to do.

I shared with one of my group therapies how I watched this video because it really related to what we were working on. Before that, one of the group members had chimed in saying he didn't feel like he could get into these patterns that were supposed to be helping, so I felt like it was a good time to share, maybe it would help. Kaylor (as well as my therapy program) makes a great point that we are creatures of habit, that the most important things we can do are going to bed and wake up at the same time, make sure we are eating three meals a day, having a routine, and one of the biggest ones, exercise.

I want to make this PERFECTLY clear, I am not taking away from Western medicine, like Kaylor has said if he were to be in a really bad car accident Western medicine would do amazing things and save his life, for that, I think we are all grateful. I am also not taking away from people who are on it. I mean, hell, I've been on quite a few different things and still am on a mood stabilizer and it looks like I'll be starting new medication this week. What I am saying is, that we can also help ourselves and need to, to be successful in our treatment, being the best versions of ourselves, and being healthy mentally. Genetics may be the gun, but our environment is the trigger. 

This treatment program I am in, that's what it's teaching me. It's teaching me life skills that maybe I never learned before, or if I had learned it before, never really practiced or implemented. Part of that makes me feel down, embarrassed, and maybe even a little ashamed. I catch myself comparing myself to the kiddos I work with that have no emotion regulation and have tantrums when they can't explain how they're feeling, but then I take a step back. I realize that I don't judge them, I teach them what they need to know for them to be successful and I do it with love and understanding, and I need to start doing that for myself. Self-love is not something I have mastered or even really do. So maybe at 29, I should be better at these things, but the fact of the matter is, I'm not and that's just what it is and it's okay. Now that I realize that, I can do and become anything I want as long as I put my mind and determination behind it. Of course, I don't feel that way all days, in all honesty, most days I don't, but with good practice, the days I don't will start to exist a lot less than the days I do. 

So maybe I need medication now, maybe I'll need it forever, maybe I won't after a year, maybe I won't need it after five. What I do know is, that I need it right now, it's helping me to be able to do the hard work of working on myself and I shouldn't feel bad about that. I am starting to realize how important these things really are, and what I am also realizing is, as one of my friends has just told me, everything we need is inside ourselves... and that goes for me too.