What is normal?

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist Friday morning. She was asking how my week was and what I had been doing because the last time we spoke, I was in a complete and utter rut. I told her that Tuesday and the following days of the week were better, but I was just going through the motions. We were supposed to start a new anti-depressant this week, but then she decided against it. There were a lot of reasons behind that, but that's where we're at right now, and I'm fine with it. One of my favorite things about her is how conservative she is with medication. Not something you find quite often with doctors in this day and age.

When starting this treatment program, I was at a point of a total and complete meltdown. I had terrible thoughts, couldn't function like a "normal" person and I knew I needed help. The thing that discouraged me from getting help, in general, is that I have felt this way for so long and no one really could guide me or advise me on what was going on. In the past, I had been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, DID, and bipolar disorder, just to name a few. DID is what used to be referred to as multiple personality disorder in the DSM-5. Since I have a Bachelor's in Psychology, things like this always caught my attention, intrigued me if you will. So every time I got a diagnosis, I really took the time to research it. I wanted to find out if it was something I felt deep down related to me and none of them did. 

In one of the first conversations I had with this psychiatrist, she told me that I answered some of her questions that people with mild DID (dissociative identity disorder) line up with. I wasn't surprised by this, nor was she the first doctor to tell me this. However, she was the first doctor to tell me to research it, learn about it, and see if it was something I related to. That's exactly what I did.

After doing all the research, there were things I related to, for sure. A few days after this conversation, I was on the phone with one of my favorite people, a good friend of mine from high school. I was out of town for a funeral for someone I cared about deeply and I was not having a great weekend. I caught him up on what was going on since the last time we chatted and about the conversation I had with my doctor. I told him that I feel two extremes in my life — first where I am super happy and feel like one person, and one where I am super sad and completely another person. This was about as much as I related to the DID. I don't have out-of-body experiences, and I most definitely do not experience blackouts. He had told me that he's thought about it in the past and that I should research Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, he's one of my favorite people, so I had no reason to doubt him, and I trust him with most things —maybe not picking out good food, but the more important things, definitely.

I spent a good amount of time researching this, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought to myself, "This is it!!! This is what I have been trying to figure out for over a decade now.” At this point it was Saturday, but I reached out to my psychiatrist anyway saying that I thought that this was the appropriate diagnosis. I talked to her once the weekend was over and she sort of smiled at me and said "I knew this, but it's important that you are a part of your treatment. I got the ball rolling for you, but you got it". 

If you don't know much about Borderline Personality Disorder, it's quite interesting. Some of the things that really resonate with me are the sense of emptiness, the emotional outbursts, the fear of abandonment, and those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I mean, these were all the things that put huge strains on every romantic relationship I've ever been a part of. As content or happy as I was to have this diagnosis because it was a good way for me to really learn about myself, it made me feel not normal. But what is normal? For the last 11 years of my life that was my normalcy, this was who I was, this is who I was going to be from here on out. 

I had a mini-meltdown a few days after the diagnosis, and of course, rumination was a part of that. I asked myself the same questions over and over again. Is this something that could be fixed? Is this something my kids would have to deal with? Is there a way I can prevent my children from getting it? Is this the reason why my romantic relationships come to be so unstable? And that went on for hours.

The thing with Borderline Personality Disorder is that the cause of it is really not understood. Scientists have come out and said most of the time it's a combination of genetics and environment. Most people who have it, have family members with it as well. The more well known aspects about it is that it distorts your view of yourself and others, keeps you from functioning in everyday life, and emotion regulation — well... that's not a thing. 

I started the mood stabilizers because my highs and lows are so extreme. Normally, people have highs and lows but mine are so frequent; it will get so high and then drop so low so quickly. So maybe this is my normal. It’s different than my sisters, best friends, and ex-boyfriend, but it's mine, and that is okay. 

When I have feelings that make me sad and I question why I feel that way or try and rationalize it, I use my THINK acronym. Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Important? Is it Necessary? and is it Kind? If the answer to any of these questions is no, I do my best to let myself feel my feelings and let my thoughts come and go. The worst thing we can do is not feel our emotions, or try and stop ourselves from having thoughts we don't want. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. So I spent a few days feeling my feelings about my diagnosis and now I'm going to learn how to cope and manage with it.