Welcome to Holland

For those who don't know, I love to read. For me, it's an escape, distraction, and enjoyable activity wrapped into one. I had seen a book trending all over the internet called "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone." If you haven't heard about it, it's the story of a therapist and her path on how she ended up seeing a therapist herself. It's funny, insightful and a pretty easy read. 

I started this book yesterday on my way back to Florida after spending 10 days home in New York with my family and friends. Once I opened it, I just couldn't put it down. I'm about 100 pages in, and have come across a chapter called "Welcome to Holland." The chapter is based on the story by Emily Perl Kingsley. To sum it up, it's about how no matter what you plan for in life, sometimes it just doesn't go that way. 

I moved to Arizona at the beginning of 2021, right before the pandemic hit. I met my ex-boyfriend a few months before and fell head over heels. Let me start by saying, this man is great, sweet, thoughtful, and kind. Me getting into this story has nothing to do with or takes away from how wonderful of a human he is. We moved in together right away. Mainly because I had picked up my life and moved across the country to somewhere I had only visited twice and had no friends or family out there. I helped him buy a house, helped him buy his dog, and really loved him. I don't say these things to take away from his accomplishments either. I say these things because I did everything I could to build a life with him. Deep in my heart, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, and who knows what the future holds, but right now - this is where we're at.

When he and I broke up, my whole world fell apart. I blamed myself for not seeing the signs. I blamed myself for maybe investing too much into the relationship, and I definitely blamed myself for its ending. For weeks after and sometimes now, I go back and forth about what I could have done differently, trying to make sense of it and analyzing it. My therapist says that's the least helpful thing - and though I know that's true - sometimes I just can't help myself. 

I remember one of the things I kept saying over and over shortly after the breakup was, "But we were supposed to get married one day and keep building a life together." My close friends and family know how much I loved him and how I always will, if we never get back together, I hope we're friends for a lifetime. However, the more I think about it and do all this soul searching and self-help, I see why the timing of our relationship wasn't great and notice the things it lacked and what needed to change for it to work. I believed our pros outweighed our cons, but both people have to believe that for a relationship to be successful.

Now let's get back to "Welcome to Holland." The story talks about how someone is planning a trip to Italy. They are planning for weeks, scheduling excursions, learning phrases in Italian, the whole nine. As the plane is landing, the flight attendant says "Welcome to Holland", and as anyone would be, the person in the story is confused and disappointed, but they needed to make a detour and this is where they had to stay. Although Holland is known to be beautiful and fun, this isn't what the person planned for. All their life they dreamed of going to Italy. So one of the important things in this situation is, although you're supposed to be in Italy, you aren't anywhere dangerous, or with famine or disease. You're just somewhere else. "It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts."

Even though you realize that Holland has so many positive things to offer, most of the people you know have been coming back and forth from Italy, talking about how incredible their experiences were, and it hits you; this was something you planned for a long time and you didn't get to go.

Unfortunately, the pain of not being able to experience something you want so wholeheartedly and deeply will never go away. A loss of a dream is painful, and it's allowed to be. "But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

So maybe, just maybe, I haven't mourned the relationship as much as I think. Maybe I have been mourning what I thought my future would be. 

I live in the most beautiful city in South Florida (in my opinion), somewhere I have dreamed of living for years. 

I am near my brother and sister, and not too far from my parent's second home where they spend about half the year. 

My aunt and uncle live not even a half-hour from me, and they're some of my favorite people. 

My little sister is about to move right across the street from me, and soon we'll be able to walk to see each other.

I have an amazing sister-in-law that I now get to see whenever I want. 

So even though I so badly wanted to go to Italy, this is my Holland, and I am very happy to be here.